I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
not ubering you a puppy
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