I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
