I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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