how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
