the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
