based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
