I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
