finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
