Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
