and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
