I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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