Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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