Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
