I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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