sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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