I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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