At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
