Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
