put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
