i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
