at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
