so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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