Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
