I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He better not be in your backpack
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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