you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
