Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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