you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sorry about my life...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
