i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
