i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
