Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
