It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
