dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
