I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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