Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
