I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
