just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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