Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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