You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
