I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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