I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
