im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
