I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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