i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
