The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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