Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize