I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I supernannyed him into submission
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
