Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize