I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
