I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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