I heard we made out
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
