alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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