He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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