omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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