Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
