i think my mom watched the whole time
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
