Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
