so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
