it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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