I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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