I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
